Leap of Faith

There are times in your life when you have to let go of everything you know and reach out for something new; when you have to take a chance on the unknown and believe in yourself that you'll land on two feet. This is not one of those times.

Sure, I could play dramatic on your heartstrings, but this entry is not what its title suggests.

I have no crisis of faith. I have no doubt in my mind that God exists. I have no doubt He gave us His only son, Jesus Christ, for our sakes. I believe with absolute certainty in the Holy Trinity, the Blessed Mother Mary and the glory of Heaven. These are unshakable beliefs I possess, and I will always hold true to them.

Still, it was time for me to let go of what I know in terms of Sunday mornings and try something new. I needed to take a chance on a Sunday service unknown to me, and I did so with a firm belief that everything will okay. As such, Lee and I trekked down to Ybor City in Tampa with the kids to Relevant Church.

Why is this such a big deal? Well, I am a creature of habit for starters. I am also a cradle Catholic, and I have never attended a regular, weekly service (i.e. not a funeral or wedding) that was not a Catholic service. From a perspective of formality, I was going against 36 years of upbringing. I was going counter to my spiritual foundation.

Still, there we were, on the second floor of The Italian Club in Ybor City, staring at a stage setup with musical instruments and a Goin' Country theme. I was already feeling comfortable having been warmly received by several individuals, including the parents of the church's pastor, when all of the sudden I heard the familiar music of the Zac Brown Band.

"I thank God for my life, for the stars and stripes, may freedom forever fly, let it ring…."

I was sold. This was going to be a wonderful new experience.

Upon beginning with a greeting that included a mini-monster truck race (tough to explain but very funny to watch) and Christian music from the church's live band – three songs that can only be described as totally rock'n – the preacher, James Adair, began his sermon about Father's Day. However, sermon is not really the right word to use. It was more of a witness talk; a testimonial, if you will, about his experiences both with his dad and as a dad. James' words were not preachy nor overly evangelical. Rather, they were conversational, understandable and relatable.

In addition to being gracefully and tactfully intertwined with passages from the Bible, James' words were comforting and made me draw on my memories with both my dad and my kids. I am very fortunate to be able to say I have no holes on the retrospective thoughts of my father. As I've said before, if I can be half the dad to my kids that my father was to me, I will be alright. I also smiled at the thought of this new experience for my children, both of whom were one floor above us in the church's child development area.

Upon the conclusion of the service, both Natalie and Daniel presented me with hand-made Father's Day cards they made while Lee and I were taking in James' marvelous testimony. We wrapped up experience with lunch in Ybor with our friend Kurt, who introduced us to Relevant Church, and his two kids.

I am not sure if I am completely done with the Catholic Church. It's still hard for me to think I can simply walk away from all those years of homilies and Holy Communion. Still, it feels like forever since I've been excited about Sunday service, and I am really looking forward to making it out to Relevant next weekend. It's not necessarily a leap of faith, but it is a significant step for me in finding in my spirit what I feel has been lacking for quite some time now.

So I’m Getting Married…..

I vaguely remember the lonely nights in 2004, sitting in my shower and letting the hot water run out as I questioned everything in my life at the time. I had recently lost my father to cancer. Two weeks before that, I ended my marriage and walked away from my family in pursuit of what I thought at the time was true love. And as I waited for this true love to match my actions and walk away from her family – and waited and waited and waited – I found myself in a very dark and lonely place, day in and day out. Every night concluded with the same, similar routine; sleeping pills, booze and tears. There was one night in particular for which I prayed to not see the next morning.

I vaguely remember those nights. The memories of the loneliness and despair are almost surreal afterthoughts in my mind, not as if they occurred years ago, but rather lifetimes ago in a distant and faraway place. It's almost as if they occurred to someone else; a character in a story told to me by someone who heard it from someone else. It's a fictional feel to a not so fictional tale of love, loss and lack of lucidity.

As I look back on the cloud and haze that surrounded my life back in 2004, I think about the person I was then and the feelings I carried with me in my heart. I was so steadfast in my beliefs that I was blinded to the reality that surrounded me. I was so consumed by thoughts of passion and juvenile romanticism, I could not fathom for one second I could be wrong. I invested 100% of myself into a dream, only to find the dream to be a mere illusion and my ass planted firmly on the cold stone of an emotional rock bottom.

I find myself reflecting about my past tonight, on the eve of my wedding and on the verge of yet another new chapter in my life. Following the trials and tribulations the consumed my life from late '04 through the end of '05, I would have sworn that I would never marry again. I hid behind the same clichés and emotional arguments that you hear from people who've been hurt by love. I lived on both sides of that coin as both the victim and the villain. On one side, an ex-wife whose own life and dreams I shattered. On the other side, a "soul mate" that never was and someone who chose the comfort and security of the status quo over me. I was done with the idea of meaningful relationships with women. Or so I thought.

On February 15, 2005, I met the woman who will today become my wife. It was an encounter that would set in motion the story that culminates this afternoon on the sands of Isla Mujeres, Mexico. It was an evening that reset the meter on an expiring heart and, for all intents and purposes, saved my life. Looking back at how Lee and I came together, and the respective trials and tribulations we each endured as I struggled with my past; those memories, too, seem as if they occurred many lifetimes ago. Lee and I have lived a lifetime's worth of experiences since we met four and a half years ago, and it's hard to believe it's been such a brief period of time given all that we've shared together.

There are not enough words for me to describe the woman I am about to marry. All the pages in all the books cannot contain the volume of emotion I feel for Lee. I could try, but I know I would never be able to finish whatever I write because my love for her continues to grow with every day we share together. I look forward to the vows we will exchange knowing there's no doubt in my mind nor in my heart about me feelings for Lee. I go into this, my wedding day, with complete clarity and absolute commitment.

In many ways, the chapter for the Gil and Lee that met back in February 2005 comes to an end today. In its place begins a new chapter, one that tells the story of Gil and Lee as husband and wife. It is a story that is bound by a lifelong commitment to grow together, live together and love together, regardless of what challenges may lay on the road ahead. It is a story that is possible in part because of the choices I made way back when and the subsequent consequences I had to endure.

I smile when I think about those vague memories from 2004. I smile knowing those moments brought me to this, my wedding day. It is a day I embrace with a zest and a vision that is crystal clear in both my heart and soul.

King Mustafa, HELP!

I lost Daddy points today. Yep. I messed up and grossly underestimated my daughter's reaction this afternoon.

It all started with my ex calling me earlier in the day to let me know she had taken one of her cats to the Vet and had the cat put down. Enlarged liver, issues with the cat's nervous system, etc. It was a lost cause for an old cat (15 years), and through her own tears she let me know about the situation. We discussed how to best let the kids know, and I decided I would tell them when I picked them up from school. The reason for the decision was based on the fact Natalie had seen the cat in the morning and had alerted her mother to the cat's condition. The cat was no longer able to stand on its own, and Natalie suggested her mother take the cat to the Vet's office. I just knew Natalie would inquire about the cat's condition when I picked her up.

Sure enough, 4:00 rolled around as I was at the school to take them home. As I walked through the door of the after-school area, I saw Natalie spring to her feet, run to me, and ask me if I had spoken to her mom about the cat. "Did momma tell you about Figaro? Is she okay?" I told her we'd talk outside in the car, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pack of Skittles I'd picked up as a pre-emptive, soften-the-blow measure.

We walked to the car and talked about school and the new play set they'd just installed in near the after-school area. We settled into our truck and I delicately broke the news to the kids. I don't know why I thought it would be accepted with a casual sense of "Oh. That's sad. Oh well, it's for the best." Instead, what followed was me having to get out of my seat and climb into the backseat with Natalie to console her. She was devastated. She was inconsolable. She was bawling so hard I had to verbally direct her to breathe. "Nice going" I thought to myself. Ugh! What a totally wrong approach to take with Natalie regarding the subject. I should have known better.

I was struggling to try and explain it all to her. I was digging back in my memories of the last time I watched 'The Lion King', scrambling to paraphrase as my own the whole circle of life explanation given to little Simba by his father. I was worried about Natalie's tears mixing with the skittles in her hands and leaving a rainbow mosaic all over my seats. It was just bad all the way around.

I was also surprised by my son's stoic reaction to all of it. He didn't cry. He didn't look sad. He just was. It was almost spooky the way he simply looked at me then looked back at his skittles and proceeded to eat them without hesitation or reservation. His reaction was the exact opposite of Natalie's, and his stoicism rivaled that of the legendary Tom Landry.

We drove home and Natalie settled down. She spoke to her mom on the phone and by the time we go to the house she was all better. Still, I can't help but second-guess myself and think about how I should have better addresses the situation. They still have one cat at their mom's place, and we have four. I know I will face this challenge again and again in the years to come, and I hope I do a better job at it. Time to pull out those old Disney DVD's.